in with the new
11/10/25
as of writing this, i have a final defense for my paper on friday and im actively working on it. i just had a great sitdown with my friend in a cafe where we just fall silent working on our own tasks for our college classes, and now im asking myself: "have i finally reached the things i imagined in my head in high school?" it all felt so stereotypical. working with my new laptop, ordering coffee with a friend, actively locking in and writing on a paper about a topic im actually interested in, it all felt so surreal and here i am reflecting as i close my first semester of my first year in college.
its been a doozy these past few weeks really, talking to people i like, talking to people i dislike, sulking about the littlest things, and just pushing myself upward to show up to class. i even skipped some useless class time to watch a few movies. definitely worth it, i got to watch No Other Choice in theaters and it was a genuine masterpiece. anyways, theres a lot of things to enjoy in college. i really love the people and how quick things just happen at times. at one hour youre sitting bored out of your mind, and in the next youre in an overpriced cafe wasting your money for a creme brulee just to get work done. but hey, at least youre with your people! is this really the college life i imagined for myself? really, i still still STILL cant believe im in college. it all feels so weird still. at the same time i feel like ive been here for 5 years, and just for 3 months. its still all so new to me, but ive gotten used to it in a way? i hope im making sense here, i really do. its just weird to be grown up i guess
being grown means to have some instances where it feels like fate is playing a game on you, and id like to write something that happened to me a few days ago. while getting a jeepney ride home, i came across an old friend getting into a seperate jeep. we split paths with few months ago. its not like we ended our friendship, but we did end our close friendness if that makes sense. i could still say hi to them if i wanted to but for some reason i couldnt. i couldnt muster up the courage to say hi, but as if someone up above is smashing toys on our seperate jeepneys, both cars were parallel with each other for a few kilometers. i could see them through the windows and i just kind of had this deep deep feeling in my stomach, a very weird feeling honestly. like all the pent up emotions i felt for the past few months from the seperation came back to haunt me once more. cause not a single week goes by where i dont at least once think about how we split off. its a weird feeling to have, and seeing them again, like im supposed to treat them like someone i havent been close with for five years at that point, it just hurt, and it really felt like fate was pushing a narrative to me. i felt very off of myself, very voided.
with stuff like that, i seem to still not know who i really am. who i really really am, for that matter. i still feel like im wearing so many masks on top of me, i dont feel authentic at times and it kind of irks me. but with times like those come times with good feelings, great feelings for that matter. i attended a friend's birthday dinner the other day and it was amazing honestly. i love being with people, period. the best feeling ever is finally having the people that care for you, and you care for them likewise. and i think i found the right people, really. i love them to death and i hope we get to make this last. nothing lasts really, but i hope we'll try to make this last as long as we can.
im starting to like again, i hope this person gets to like me more, i hope things go well between us, i hate having to have this feeling again but i really dont know. its hellish to me, but at the same time its refreshing. maybe things will turn out great, again, i dont know, i really dont know, this too shall pass maybe, i really dont know. i hope i get to find that one person, that one being, i guess, it really isnt that serious, i may just need to revisit that feeling of love again, and again, and again its all repeating for the matter.