im in a state of mind right now that needs me to write, as i see her face, not even her face but just the slightest mention of her, it makes me weak, crumble even. i know its over, i dont dream of ever going back to you, but i feel that i might not ever feel like that again.
i feel like i find more solace now in people leaving me alone more than ever, as i smoke a cigarette with no one ever judging me, no one looking at me, no one speaking, i might like myself being alone for a day. my feelings would be cured, id feel like ill think a lot more in a space without people for a moment. but then, i see you again. i see that face of yours and i wretch because of myself, i feel horrible about myself. its more than just me hurting you but i feel like ive hurt myself more than ever after everything that has occured. its very weird for me to think about.
a friend of mine keeps mentioning her, and he has every right to by the way, her work is amazing and nothing can make me deny that. but every mention of her just hurts still, like a punch to the gut. not that i want them to stop mentioning her, its not that. its nice to see her doing things and being happy for herself, but i start to compare things. what have i done really? shes doing way more things, but better. i do nothing but rot in college and make dumb videos for dumb people to satisfy my dumb self. she sent a letter to my friend that made my heart wrench honestly, all the stickers and her handwriting takes me back to a time again where i was loved by someone, just for a slight moment.
i still keep every letter, every memorabilia, even if things crack and erode i still keep it in a tiny space in my room. right now i listen to cameron winter's unreleased work: "if you turn back now", and i get transported to a time where reminiscing gets replaced by resentment. she used to resent a lot, if i broke up with her now things would be easier, she prayed to God that i would break up with her. she cried for a good few hours in that stairway and i cant forget that. she snapped her bracelet into pieces and threw it across the stairway, i waited a few hours after the fact and returned to that stairway and picked up the broken bracelet pieces and i still have it to this day.
if i turned back at that point, i felt like things would've been easier for the both of us, but i was someone that really wanted that love back. that love was gone at that point, i felt as the need to try and salvage whatever was there, i picked up the broken pieces without knowing what to do with it. i was playing fixer and i couldnt really fix anything with the pieces that are foreign to me.
if i turned back at that point, i felt as if she'd be better now, even better than before honestly. same goes for me, again it would've been better for the both of us.
i need some time alone at points, alone time is best time, might light a cigarette at some point again. i havent smoked in two weeks, didnt really plan to. probably wont. feelings are pouring in, and i wont feel what i feel tomorrow. this little babble will only just capture the times ive felt like literal garbage. please bear with me, i apologize, i apologize to you.