entry # 5

performative living

10/28/25

i think it comes to a point where i really dont know who myself is, and i had to think about that today. im scared of people, there this innate feeling in my head where someone is watching me and secretly making fun of me. in the age of people recording dumb people and posting it on the internet, its a new feeling that people have and that includes me.

when people say "be yourself" and not care about what other people think, thats a high bar for me personally and i struggle with it everyday. i can't read people's minds so i have to sit there and assume everything that is percieved of me. im sorry but i care too much about how people percieve me, thats just how it is. when people say "be yourself", how? what is there to the self? how do you even define "yourself"?, i still ask that question everyday. i was overly distant today as the things that were supposed to happen were placed against me. i was a lone person that just had to keep walking today, but even if i was literally the only person that could ever judge my own self, the only person at that point that can be percieved, this isn't a social gathering, this isn't a hangout, you don't have to wear a certain mask for certain people because it was me, myself, just me that i had to interact with today. i felt so empty, i still felt like i was pretending, i was putting on a mask for myself to enjoy. romanticizing the things i look at, and just appreciating whats around me was bad in my eyes. i felt so fucking voided of my own self.

alone time is great time, i think many people would agree. but even my alone time was just me being self-conscious of every movement i made. no one cares, i was literally just walking in the downtown streets without no destination. i was exploring the heart of the city. i came across a bookshop that sold some stuff for 150 and 250 pesos and i thought that was neat!! but just browsing through the books felt like a slog. i felt like i was being watched by every person passing by because of what? browsing books? it was a dumb reason but i was so void of any proper thought that i left after 5 minutes. i could've stayed longer but thats how it really is. again, im scared of people. just this past week so far has been a total mess for me to go through. i felt like shit everytime i was standing next to people, because i didnt get some inside joke, or i couldnt keep up with the energy the people had, or it just really felt like people hate me and hate my presence. i just had to come and accept the fact that i'm really just in a horrible state to be socializing with this week.

i feel very insincere (yes, that is the word not insecure, but i feel that too) these past couple of weeks and i feel like a robot being programmed to say the same shit every day to different people.

i just don't feel real. i feel empty, i feel as if a void is controlling me every day. every day feels robotic. i lost my charger yesterday, and my uniformed pin broke while i was putting it in my collar, its little things that are against me and its the most inconvenient thing ever. again, theres been some highs, and its through just getting that stuff out my head and just enjoying the things i see. i also felt very real when talking to certain people this week. writing this post does not mean i hated talking to every person i came across. theres people i really like and love, and talking to them felt like i was real again, as corny as it is.

its like ive played a mask for so long, these masks started stacking on top of one another and now when i take them all off im faceless. i've relied too much in playing the part. i'm stuck in a stage i can't get out of. i want to scream as loud as possible and disappear for so many times this month. these people i've met, these people i love, sometimes i think they're starting to look at me weird. i start to think everyone's looking at me weird, and now just walking by myself felt like a nightmare. i can only twitch my head left and right like a schizo seeing if people are making eye contact with me and its getting to a point where i hate myself just to be walking.

i flinch a lot, i think something might pop out if someone's sitting next to me. if some stranger sits next to me i feel like they're silently judging me. eye contact is a death sentence, and now i have to wonder what happened to me. the me last year was way brighter, stronger, managed to even have a connection with someone they loved, but a year after, its a guy being so scared, so brutally voided of their own self. it's scary.