not to get sappy but i really cant help liking people left and right, i really like connection between people and already seeing that connection with people, especially in a romantic sense is something i really like. its really stupid how i cam simultaneously like two people and i for one, hate that feeling sometimes. in times like these, i still dont know if i even moved on from my first relationship ever. dont get it twisted, im completely over it, but at points in the late hours i see them while browsing the world wide net and i just cant help but have a blank stare at the screen. its not that im envious of their success or their smile, i dont know actually, maybe i am envious? theres just a weird feeling i get whenever i see them or when someone mentions them. its a very nuanced world out there, and people are free to do whatever they want and associate with whoever they want, and i get that, but it hurts a lot, is all im saying.
as i write this, its halloween night 2025, i have yet to write and update my logs on media, and my website, ill get into that later. i just need to rot for a bit and ill get to work tomorrow. halloween is a great night to be staying home honestly, not that i dislike parties, id kill to be in one when im free, but nights like these are comfortable to be sad and sappy all the time. maybe missing someone, or something, or missing a feeling. im currently listening to jane remover's side project "venturing" and their album "Ghostholding", its amazing for a time like this, and very topical as theres also a song called "Halloween" here.
but to continue whatever im writing, i really just wish things go well when i fall in love with people again. at some points its on my end, at some points its in theirs, i really dont care. i just want to see success for myself, i feel like im losing my grip on love again, im losing my grip on connection and reality. i still dont know how i was so confident to text people back then, im more cautious now, and i dont know if thats the factor thats holding me back. i really dont know. i feel the connection on another person lately, they've been an amazing person to talk to. i hope things go well, i hope things go green between us