tobacco sticks
i dont have a smoking addiction, first and foremost; and i'll continue to not say i have one. i dont smoke regularly, i only smoke when needed be. when i buy 4 cigarettes i finish them in a month, one a week if im feeling extra depressed. as of writing i havent smoked in 2 weeks, maybe because i hid them and i havent put them back in my bag yet. the last time i smoked was after a grueling hour of routine church service, and i didnt bring my headphones after for the walk home, so i put on footfalls - my point of you and raised it to my ear and puffed. again, my cigarettes are not in my bag and ill only do so when i feel like i need one again, right now i dont feel like smoking.
personally, i think smoking is a very intimate thing. i smoked with my friend once after attending a debut, and its moments like these that could only be made when smoking together. theres this secrecy that smoking gives that gives you that gives trust between each other, like this thought of; "this is our little secret, and i want to do this with you more" sort of thing. so far, that was one of the two times i've ever smoke with someone else. the second time was with a classmate between our scheduled classes and we thought that it would be nice to detox for a bit and smoke on an area downtown. look, i dont know if its the nicotine rotting in our teeth or the tobacco messing with our heads but we had a nice conversation while puffing our own cigarttes. again, its moments like these that are incredibly intimate for people smoking. and circling back to the night i had smoking after attending a debut, it felt freeing in a way. it really was an unforgettable night to me. if you put me in charlie's shoes in the perks of being a wallflower, we felt "infinite". it was an empty neighborhood and we didnt really care if people saw us, and we were walking down so many blocks and streets after smoking that it was a really fun time. we even washed the aftertaste down with some iced coffee, which mind you is a very good combo with cigarettes, i was mildly suprised. we even had cheap iced coffee to wash it down after i smoked with my classmate. it was fun.
a very good example of this would be the sequence in gitling (2023) as well
i think the biggest turn-off for me when smoking is the aftertaste. a good friend of mine recommended me "ess" cigarettes and as of writing, i bought a pack around a month ago and those are the pack of cigarettes i have hidden. i think it will last me another month i think. but anyways, the ess cigarettes dont have that much of an aftertaste, but to me it dosent really feel good to puff. the sticks are long as hell and it looks like youre forever sucking on a lollipop stick. either way, all cigarettes still give nicotine. and can i say that cigarettes REALLY stick to you! my mom apparently could smell my dad after smoking even if he lies and said that he didnt, but right now, i havent been caught yet. mainly because i cover my tracks by obsessively spraying alcohol on my fingers and drinking something right after to wash down the aftertaste, and immediately brush my teeth when going home. i also smoke right before i go to campus, or right before i hang out with people so the smell is always gone when i return home anyways. but i also keep mints in my bag just in case of anything.
again; smoking is intimate, smoking is secretive, smoking is taboo, and now that i have learned to smoke; im more or less waiting for another intimate moment to come again. i dont plan to smoke today, its a rainy day and i plan to destress with a few albums before i go to bed, good night.