the months leading up to me
8:27PM
9/6/26
the last time i wrote an entry for this site was for my eighteenth, which was about six months ago from now. since then, i felt like i have lived five different lives.
from the months between that to here, i have and had many thoughts that come across me, some staying in my head, some thought, some spoken out loud to the people i love. i have had many interactions, experiences, actions with people to whom i do not regret one bit, regardless of how quetsionable our terms are now. it's very integral to how i think now, how i operate, how i can grow further on. i look back at these entries sometimes and realize how absolutely naive i was at some points; how much i idealize and romanticize my views on things and actions i have done. the stuff i have experienced these past few months have really been running in my brain. there are a lot of things to say, type, write about here so i will.
for these six months i've had my way with people in terms of connection. whether it be growing closer, making conversation, growing apart, reconnecting, rekindling, it's all very integral and all were very important to me. to which, i have a lot to think about and reflect. i've noticed that for the past few weeks, i've grown tired of the whole love thing. as corny as it sounds, it all sounds like a massive audition for me to deal with every time. it all feels repetitive to put myself out there so much, only for so little connection and conversation. i have grown to become cynical if i could even keep up a relationship with someone. sometimes i do not think i deserve what i really want. sometimes, it all ends up to me.
looking back at what i was typing up back in my old entries, i always had someone to think about, i always dedicated a section for a person, and i do not think that is the person i am anymore, it all feels embarassing for me to realize that most of my months always had to consist of an "other", it always had to consist of someone to dedicate my work to, or an audience for me to rely and talk to, and not me, the "i", myself, it was not to me that i was writing for and publish, i always had to think about what other people thought, and ultimately that sucks. it really does suck. i think one of my biggest fears ever is if someone even thinks of me, they think of someone not dependent on themseleves but they always was someone's other. that i am somehow everyone's ex, or that i was their fling for two weeks, it is something i really do not want, and really fear for myself, and i wish to not make myself that. i wish to keep the people i hold dear, reserved and limited, as i want my time to actually matter when i dedicate it to them.
i. deserving
they all said that i "deserved better" when it all came apart in the end, but i kept wondering to myself who, or what was the love i "deserved". what i thought to myself since then became overall cynical on my end. people often say i'm "too sweet" for people, or that i'm way too welcoming for people that may begin to hurt me on the long run. to which it is true, i've recently had an encounter like it. to which i had to learn the hard way as to why we can't let people in way too fast. people are people, people view people, we're not all thinking the same, and if we start to think the same of one another, it becomes an issue. i became too optimistic for my own being, i really was actually "too nice" for people. but this is where i go against people saying that i should not be nice to people that don't deserve it. because at the end of the day, they still made the choice to reciprocate with me. they still deserved the love i gave, it just was that it was not fitting for them., and that is completely fine.
getting played by people doesn't become a thought for me until it actually happened. i always thought i was "better", or i would know when i would actually be toyed in front of me, but it all happens to the best of everyone, and i think it is integral for someone at one point in their life to be absolutely played with by someone, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally. i don't think in my end mine had any ulterior motives to do so, it all ended up not working out and the end result became a shitstorm of miscommunication, or a lack of it. completely ghost, even after multiple promises made, messages sent, hands held, it's all not going to work out at some point. and i embarassingly admitted that it is "only going to be them" i choose, to which is unbelievably naive and stupid, looking back at it in hindsight, its just horrid i thought of people that way. how the next partner, or the next person that gives me any reciprocation ultimately becomes the person i choose and prioritize over everyone indefinitely, until the end of time.
ultimately, getting played in front of your face is a very humbling experience, and its something that lingers in my head all the time since. just a memory that gets brought up a lot off my own will, but those thoughts will always linger.
i think i just have a really bad fear of seperation, and that the people i love, or used to, will eventually distance themselves from me, and would look at me in a bad light, and while ultimately it happens to the best of people, and it has happened to me multiple, multiple times. i really just am tired that no contact is made after a certain seperation, or that the conversations dwindle, or theres a layer of awkwardness whenever you talk to a certain person. to which i always want to wave my hand around to clear up any air around the relationship. i absolutely hate it when you start to sense that distance grow, but you cannot do anything about it when there isn't anything technically wrong on it. i mean, i guess people grow apart and all, but it has happened to me one too many times for people. and i am still glad when people actually do see a kinship even after a romantic encounter, and remaining better as friends. will forever be thankful.
it all boils down for me to learn the lesson, that many, many, MANY people should learn at one point in their life. and it is that people really don't owe you anything when it comes to wanting to be in a relationship with them. you can't just do all these things and expect them to love you just because you acted a certain way. you're making your love a barter, and their reciprocation your need. thing is, when you put all this effort in someone, you have to also know that they themsleves are also comfortable with it, that *they* also, want to put this effort back. that they, do appreciate the effort. putting your efforts to waste is something that is a problem on your end, and you really cannot blame it on the other. they do not owe you their own feelings. it is on you.
ii. conversation
when thinking of all the thoughts i've had to reflect on, and shed onto my skin, it all ends up on the conversations i have had with people. all the words, all the perspectives i have gathered on so many people. no person is the same with what they say, unless they are fake about it. you are only talking the same when you are not yourself. when i get to hear out your real thoughts, that is when you are at your unique, and so many conversations i've had with people i am always thankful for. all the kindling, the rekindling, to the distance, and seperation, it's all in how you talk. it is in how you say it to people, it is in the situation for you to conversate and articulate your thoughts.
a week ago, i had a conversation about grief with someone i find deeply similiar to. i've never had a conversation so relatable on something i had been dealing with for 4 years now. it was deeply refreshing, and sharing so many unique traits with someone, and just talking and talking and talk talk talk, and you get to know more about them, i realized i wanted to spend so much of my time with them, slowly. i want to get to know what they think, i want to grow as a person with them for the next few months, maybe year, the connection i get with this person feels entirely surreal. i'd want it to make it last.
a few weeks ago, an old friend i have written about in past entries, my regrets for not talking further, our seperation -- we have rekindled our friendship once more, and i am always forever thankful for that. my growth without them was very much important, and them seeing that growth and having the coneversations we once had all those years back, and doing all the things i've wanted to do with them, to which i hadn't out of circumstances, it all felt very healing to me, and i hope it lasts for long. i wish for me to grow with them again as well.
a month ago, i've had so many conversations with people when smoking together. these circles and conversations when smoking always go deeper than usual, theres always some intimacy and vulnerability, and openness not seen in usual conversation, and i'm always thankful when i end up in those positions. listening, replying, being present in the moment. i think thats what i want to highlight in this section, its being in the present with people, or being present for a person. it always means a lot to me even if i'm just there. my presence in this earth is already enough for me to be thankful, and to be in these conversations with people, i am even more cheesed and thankful.
a few months ago, i was reassured for the first time by a person, that they wouldn't leave me after calling things off from trying things out. and i will always hold this person special to my heart. i don't think i had ever been so comfortable and open, and vulnerable with someone after calling things off thereafter, but the lack of awkwardness because we already tried things out together made things so well, and so smooth. being better as friends and talking about so many things with each other, being treated right, for the first time made me realize about the previous experiences i've had in the past that it was horrid what i actually went through. we still remain amazing friends, and again, they're always going to hold a special place in my heart. always thankful for them.
iii. grower music
some songs and albums i did not understand until i grow older ultimately become the most rewarding things ever in my life. listening to something two years ago vs. listening to something now with all your added wisdom and experiences from others, and recalling on how you didnt like it much before, but absolutely love it now, its such a euphoric feeling that not many can replicate.
i had been listening to Blonde by Frank Ocean for a while, but i have been feeling this album a lot more, resonating with frank's harmonies and production scattered all throughout it, every chord and note i anticipated somehow felt like i understood its choices more and more as time passes and with each listen i do. in fact, while typing this section up, i am listening to this album again. the absolute feeling of longing i get when listening to "Nikes" and frank's androgynous high pitched vocals all over hooks me in again, as i start to reflect on something new, and notice frequencies in the production i hadn't noticed before. all while the lyrics of growing up in Ivy, Pretty Sweet, and the descriptive songwriting all over this, its something that hits like a truck now, and something to appreciate more. it was a perfect album for me then, but its something thats more than objectively "perfect" for me now. i have not deeply resonated with art like this a lot. and this album gives me that feeling over and over, and betters that as time passes. i want to cry to this album forever, i want to feel this album forever.
for the longest time, LCD Soundystem did not click for me as much as a lot of people did. but for the past few months, i start to get what they're coming from. songs like I Can Change, and All My Friends have resonated with me so much now, and the live versions in Madison Square Garden take them to even greater heights. James Murphy's simple cut-throat lyricism, but still remaining so deep and heartfelt despite it being so blunt. it always hits me like a truck when All My Friends climaxes to that outro 6 minutes in. its always a treat for me to be listening to music, and these songs i have mentioned continues to become an even greater gift than it once was.