eighteen
11:25PM
3/23/26
as i release this entry online, in march 24, i have now turned 18 years old. but as of writing, its an hour before midnight at march 23rd. id like to write about my thoughts on this huge milestone in my life cause for some reason i feel like time is moving really slow even though i want 12 to strike already.
right now, i feel as i should be feeling more sentimental about it, reflecting on the people i've met, the stuff i do, the decisions i've made that lead up to this point. but in full honesty, i don't feel it. all my peers have already reached this milestone and i just feel as if i'm just catching up to them. when i turn 18 in an hour, i can only think: "wow, finally, i can do the things ive already done but with the label that i am, i guess an adult".
whenever i look at people younger than me, and see their naivity, the sinking feeling, the realization that they really do have a lot to learn in this world, i ask myself if i really AM that old now, like holy fuck why do the seventh graders look like babies? i felt so grown at that age, now that im a freshman in college, all these people still finding themselves in the world, all the insecurities, the feeling of knowing that they are still sheltered and shielded from the nuances of reality, i definitely will feel like this to myself in 5 years to me now.
okay maybe i lied, maybe things are actually a bit sentimental for me at this age. as i write i'm currently thinking of the people that brought me here, the people that i appreciated and look up to so much, the people i genuinely love. i'm glad to be alive with them and i hope they live with me even if we grow distant.
a huge thank you to my day ones, benedict, fernan, brian, paulo, lily, all these people i still hold dear to my heart, even if a few have grown distant, even if that spark is nonexistent now, their thoughts about me, the conversations we have held with each other still linger in my head, they have shaped me to interact with the world a little bit more critically, pushed me to read a lot more, especially paulo, i still love you man! you made me get into this whole music thing, i wouldnt know where i would be without you. i really love you, whatever wherever whenever. i'd also like to mention meja and inah, shoutout to us carpoolmates since fifth grade, we spiritually still are!
i'd like to thank next the people of yearning mushroom united, thank you so much to kai, hisana, clovis, marc, yang, kang, jayden, gwen, you all have made my day so much brighter. the things we do are amazing and i wish we can spend all this time right now together, the best we can, especially yang, i want to mention yang a lot of more since she's genuinely one of the strongest people i've ever met, period. never have i met someone that can stand on their ground as much as she does and i admire her so much for it.
next, i'd like to thank and mention my sisters from other mothers, thank you so much kyla for being there for me, dealing with my shit on my lowest, reconnecting with you after a huge gap of pure distance since sixth grade was possibly one of the greatest decisions of my life. please never change!!! i love ya!!!, i'd want to mention deth, joselle, kira, gwyn, janella, and all my senior high school ates, you guys are the best and definitely sat my ass down whenever i went too far. it was definitely integral for me, especially going through a pivotal time period.
lastly, id want to make a special mention to my new college friends, thank you so much to tyna, seb, rishona, drei, james, fran, meg, sky, red, every single blockmate i ever interacted with, you're all there, my fingers are starting to hurt listing you all!! but its so fun with you guys and i can't wait for us to interact for four more years. see you all again next week! ^^
again im thinking about how i ended up here, i still am insecure about myself in all honesty, im still too scared to post about anything i like, i feel as if im way too performative about myself, i still am wondering who i am, i still have a blurred line of authenticity with myself, which i still have to work on. turning eighteen dosent magically make you understand everything, but i know if you're still reading this that you get the same feeling i get where your thoughts have started to show colors. my brain has definitely grew compared to my brain three years ago, its all a part of growing up im guessing. my body changes, my face grows hair, my wardrobe changes every month, my music taste changes every week, i listen to more and more albums, i watch more and more movies to learn more. i hope i take care of myself.