new years and the grapes that follow
11:26PM
1/4/26
when the clock hit 12 pushing everyone to 2026, i was underneath a table eating 12 grapes and chewed each grape with sincerity and thought. i never really believed in superstition like it, but i really wanted something to happen this year, so i really did spend 2 minutes past midnighy each and every grape with the most thought and foresight. i didnt want to mess everything up this year since i felt like there was something bigger for me.
what i think about 2025 is that its the start of something bigger in my life and what i mean is that, this was a good year but it can get better, and i feel like its going to get better. it feels like this year was too short, but for some reason reasonably long at the same time. theres points where i think something that happened in january was short 2 years ago, then something in febuary was just yesterday, or something in september felt like a year ago. i think time is slowly melting in of itself to me, now that my dumb brain is developing, im starting to think more, i feel like my thoughts are more complex now if that makes sense. last year was really something else in terms of shaping me, there were times in the year where i underwent some kind of crisis about my identity. many conversations with my friends, asking them who i really am, who am i..? there are some days where thoughts just click and i end up more comfortable in a passion i end up dropping 2 weeks later, or i end up more comfortable doing something in my own skin. sometimes i want to dress feminine, maybe the most androgynous as possible, i really dont know, at all. i still have a lot of time to work things out and that includes this year, and the year after that, and the year after after that.
mind you i never really liked grapes, but im really hoping for the best this year. theres something i dont want to mess up, and right now i cant really publicly write whats on my mind surrounding it, but just know that i really want this wish to work, somewhat, somehow, i wish it works.
theres something in my head that i still cant wrap my head around. i'll try to be as vague as possible here, as revealing it might turn things off in the future, but i really just cant comprehend this specific thing. theres a thing thats been lingering in my mind for a good month, maybe even two, and i hope the lingering comes to an end and i make things work when the thing follows. ive been replaying the ending scene of When Harry Met Sally, and the camcorder scene of Haru because this thing is wrapping around my head and blossoming into feelings i havent felt for a long time. these feelings have laid dormant for over a year now, and having them back again over this mysterious thing im barring myself from elaborating, i pray. i pray that it works.
as i write this, classes resume tomorrow and my second semester of my first year in college resumes. using the holiday money i got i bargained these vintage knitted sweaters im excited to receive, and these hakama pants (thank you for the suggestion yang!), random tangent but finding out about hakama pants is like finding the path to what is otherwise my true self. anyways, im kind of excited to dive into the stressors again to be honest. i havent done anything besides rot in my laptop writing, playing overwatch 2 and valorant back to back, watching video essays about niche internet microcelebrities i dont care about but im already 45 minutes in the essay that im undergoing sunk cost fallacy, you know, the usual things that cook up. i cant wait to meet my classmates again, i cant wait to meet up with the people i love the most in campus. theres a great synergy between everyone i meet in campus that i just lock with. i also cant wait for these sweaters to arrive.... and hakama pants.