doormat
8:57 PM
4/26/26
i feel so horrible about myself i really dont feel like im capable of doing anything for her, i feel as if im a doormat getting stepped on everyday, every time i meet someone, talk to someone, like someone. i just let them do what they want and i cant speak up about it because im afraid of losing them. turns out i cant sense if she's upset, i can't sense if she's distant, i can't seem to do things right. i'm trying my fucking hardest to just be present and have been doing my best trying to keep myself and her in check, i want to be someone for her, i want to be the best person i am for her, but things go south so quick. i can't find the reassurance she used to give me before and it kind of hurts, it hurts a lot, it hurts really bad, my heart keeps sinking and i want to curl up and question myself if my commitment is even worth it for someone like her
i genuinely feel as if im incapable, i feel stupid, i try to give my upmost affection but she has grown so distant again. it doesn't feel the same, i sound selfish as fuck, forgive me, but i feel like she wants to say something, but refuses to say anything. i really don't know what i can do right now. i'm getting stepped on badly. im not dependent by her, but she really can't give me any kind of message that is the signal for me to even continue what we have. can she give me a sign or something?, we talked about this a week ago, does it take a while for her to like me again? i feel as if she hates me now, i dont know why. i'm trying my best, i really am.
my commitment does not feel worth when she cant even give me a proper signal to continue, i told her about my plans to give her gifts when she gets back, she says "kahadlok", i really dont know i genuinely dont know i dont fucking know what she wants, i'm just stuck trying to assume things, im questioning my capability if i can even keep up with people, i feel like i really don't deserve her at points. but these past two weeks have been a genuine, complete, fucking mess. i can't wrap my head around everything. i get it, she has her own things to deal with, but my reasoning goes the same way. i feel like i'm being stepped on again, assuming things will be okay, i try to step up, she finds it disinteresting, i say i miss her, i get replied with a bunch of question marks, i don't know what she wants. i don't want to message her because things feel embarassing, she's as dry as rocks to me at some points. she's leaving me assuming again and again.
i wish she was vulnerable and open again, i feel like i clamped her shut again, made her distant again, i'm trying my best, im trying my best so hard man, i'm playing marvel rivals with her as i type this, i just feel like a tool, a total tool. i feel like a genuine object just here. i really don't get it. i just don't want to be someone that gets stepped on time and time again by people, i don't want to lose her, man, its horrible.
time and time again im reminded on how genuinely horrible i am in doing anything, im incapable. is this how she felt when she got upset at me? i feel like im being stepped on. im getting stepped on overly, getting swished down, getting shut down in everything, i cant do shit, im flawed