christmas eve last year was horrible
8:54PM
12/24/25
exactly a year ago in christmas eve, i was at my complete lowest mentally. i really didnt know what to do at that point, there were many things going around my head at that time. at that point i was still reeling and processing from a recent breakup, my self image was at a complete low, and i felt very empty, like i was spectating my own life but unfortunately i cant just put things on autopilot. i used to be all hour, by the hour doomscrolling and looking at every single notification i got in social media. my brain felt like i was melting, and all i could do was mindlessly type thoughts and post garbage in my private instagram account. i appreciated every single one of my friends having to go through all that stuff i was posting that night, cause i really was just breaking down, not really knowing whats ahead of me. now, a year later, as i type this: i can say for certain that while what i went through was horrible and detrimental to my psyche, it was definitely important for myself to go through. you cant be a polished smooth metal ball without rubbing yourself with really rough sandpaper, you know?
i have learned a lot in just the span of the year, ive encountered many things that really put a spark in me again, or rather took that spark away and put it in a better place for it to shine brighter. there were lots of times this year where stuff really left me thinking about many things. what is it about myself? who really am i? would i even like someone else?, some of these questions still go unanswered as i type this, but i can still safely say that i am closer to finding those answers than i was at christmas eve last year. this year was a whole transitional period for me, identity and college and all that. ive lost and found people, ive tweaked how i act, ive found new ways to express myself more freely. i got a camcorder! that parts crucial. this year was kind of just the year that was needed for me to be better, a year that'll shape me to the person i've wanted to be. im not there yet but im sure i will be soon.
24 December 2024 / 7:54pm (instagram account)
"genuinely i cant really say anything because i dont think i have even the slightest bit of hatred for anything im chilling with dread
im writing this now as i look through the instagram stories archived of me having these really edgy, and admittedly corny blank text posts. two days later i post really concerning images of doodles related to how i felt at that period. its all really weird in retrospect that i posted these, because it really shows how i felt at that time. i was just unapologetically posting "art" of shooting myself in the head, its all weird. i still dont ever delete posts in my private instagram, since i really do find interest in seeing how much i progressed, and bettered as a person in these many ramblings of text i post to the internet. i've been rambling and yapping about stuff since those times, this method of writing on my own webpage is just more freeing to me, and cooler, much cooler.
im closing this by appreciating the people i have with me right now, and appreciating myself for getting out that rabbit hole i put myself in exactly a year ago. i'd like to thank all my friends who've stuck with me a lot this year while i figured myself out in the process, you might've seen me at my lowest but somehow still kept through with me even after, i greatly thank you all, genuinely, i dont know how to put that sincerity any more further. a few days ago, i met up with one of the people i've greatly appreciated and admired and it was a treat to just hang out from just that short amount of time. its great, if you're reading you know who you are. this too shall pass and i shall thank you now!, second, i'd like to acknowledge the reader. if you've read this ramble it means you cared enough to read whatever personal writing i've had, so i thank you as well! your support sill means a lot to me knowing that i have some semblance of a person to yap on whatever things i have to say, and think. again, i'm better in christmas eve this year. last year's christmas eve was horrible.