for the month of october, ive been slowly losing sleep on the two week break of in-person classes being suspended. im also feeling a lot more insecure about myself, maybe thats a good thing as of now. ive been archiving posts of my past, hiding more information about myself, and i hope this blog gives me more freedom to write what i want to write. i doubt anyone cares enough to seek through blog posts to know more about me.
ive been repressing a lot of information and feelings about myself to other people, im lacking vulnerability, im lacking a conversation that needs to be held, or maybe im just a selfish jerk that also needs to learn the art of supression at times, i dont know. i feel empty, none of social media is working anymore, character limits exist, and making this whole site to post what i love is one of the few things that keeps me from going. i truly felt like i owned something, making this site and writing this now at 12:50 in the early hours makes me feel like im in control. i dont know, its weird.
i think about a lot of things, like most people do, and theres a lot in my mind that i want to write. theres comments in my brain that keeps reverberating to me over and over, and it leads me into thinking that maybe im making this website for attention, maybe for the sliver of someone noticing me and acknowledging my existence. as much as i have all the people i could ever want, i still feel empty and alone. i feel so voided in a way, refreshing my social media notifications to see if someone liked what i post, or commented, or anything. its unhealthy for me to obssess over, and its also the first time that im admitting that i am deathly obssessed with numbers. im a very insecure person and i apologize to the people i hurt because of it, and here i apologize two times.
social media has been severely rotting me, for the past few months i wanted to do something with social media as a tool to make me more "creative", make me better at art or something. but in the end it distanced me with the closest friend i had, and it soured some people's taste in me and thats really not what i want. i really hate that notion honestly, and again, i apologize thrice for the people i have wronged. i will be using this website more as a better way, a more freeing way, and hopefully this leads into a better version of me. cause at the end of the day, i still dont know who i am, its something that i keep asking myself.
during the time someone i held closest distanced themselves from my life and vice versa; we had a conversation with mostly them sharing their struggles they had seeing me grow into something "performative" and something that isnt really me, and there i began to ask myself, who even is me? who even is rey? there ive had multiple conversations with friends regarding this question. cause at this point i really didnt know myself. i dont know why i wrote that in past tense cause i *still* do not know myself, it sucks, and i know that im not supposed to have that answer, but now im more insecure than i ever was. every post i make feels like im being judged, every word i text, anything i post is making me feel empty. the things i loved to do doesn't feel like anything when people interact with it, but at the same time i craved the interaction because i was still appreciative of the support that i was getting.
it is now 1 in the morning as i write this, and i am still holding previous people i liked on my heart still. especially this one person. now im thinking of a lot of things again, and now i feel guilty for currently liking a person after liking another for a few months. its natural i know, but i feel horrible because i think im still thinking about this previous person. its this feeling of meeting this one-of-a-kind person you're never getting. i know that every person is their own person, i know every person *is* "one of a kind", but this person was really special in my eyes. they really were someone i wanted to spend my time with forever, as corny as it is.
i can't seem to shake off the feelings of liking you. you're really pretty, all the time. i see pictures of you and your smile does so much wonders. i sometimes think to myself what would've happened if things were different in the small window we hanged out together. i really want to see you again, truly. im pushing things away because i really thought i was past it, but in the end its midnight and my heart aches looking at the pictures you post. its unimportant, its stupid, its dumb, its embarassing. its embarassing to even try and text you, its death to me wanting your awkwardness again. sometimes the things i do are just things to impress you, just for you to even see me, its deathly unhealthy. it seems cool with you in a distance but to me, every move i make is treading on nails. again, this isnt your fault at all, maybe this is all just a really bad state of mind of me to think about, and looking back on this in the morning will make me even more embarassed. but for now, i really cant stand this. i still like you.
i hope all goes well for anyone. i hope you all take care.